Fear not dear reader, I am talking about a metaphorical type of cutting, trimming or pruning even. I have been struggling with how to discuss this topic as it’s a sensitive one, so I will just come out with it. Today in my blog I am going to talk about cutting ties with friends.
It’s thanks to my therapist that I feel ready to actually discuss this in my blog. I have finally accepted that I haven’t done anything wrong. That it is what it is and I don’t need to keep feeling bad about myself for it. I can finally talk honestly and openly about it and just let go. Damn! Now I have that annoying song stuck in my head, why did I use that turn of phrase! “Let it go! Let it Go!!!!!!” Arghhh!
A wise man once said that if you can count the number of true friends you have on one hand when you’re older, you’re a lucky person. And it’s true; in time friendships do sail different courses, new adventures for some, while others just unfortunately sink down to watery depths of the dark unknown. Disappearing off the radar without a single trace. No-one knows how or why, they just vanish out of thin air. As if some sea monster has gobbled them up and refused to spit out the remains in fear of being discovered itself.
Short of a very, very long story. I had a group of friends as a teenager that carried through till the end of our university days. Once those days were over most of them moved back to our home town while a few of us didn’t. I’m one of those that didn’t and decided to go back into retail work and stay in the flat I was living in with my finance (now husband). Scary and daunting but it was what I wanted and needed to do. No one held grudges and there was no big bust ups or drama thankfully.
Over the past few years there has been less and less contact, only saying Happy Birthday on Facebook and the odd like on a status. My life took a different turn to those back home. I got married, had two boys and moved to Scotland. I was admittedly becoming an adult. Meanwhile my friends back home where still all hanging out, going away together and just continuing with life. And I didn’t begrudge them for that. Of course not, that would be really silly. I think what hurt was simply just seeing photos of them all together on Facebook. Like nothing had changed. I wasn’t there, I felt like I had never existed and felt excluded. It hurt, no…more than that. It cut deep. Drove me into a dark depression of feeling alone. I had no friends around me to just ring up and go for coffee, no one but my husband. As much as he is my best friend I did need something else. Mothers to talk to, women to talk to about woman problems or stuff like that. Don’t get me wrong I share everything with my husband and he does his best. I do love that crazy Panda.
Every time I logged onto Facebook I was presented with photos and photos of my friends smiling and having fun. I learned to just accept and deal with it. I was happy for them and tried to not think too much about it, to just get on with my own life. Then two of my friends who were engaged announced they were getting married soon. I waited hopefully for an invite, a message, something, but received nothing. I saw photos of the hen do and then a joint hen/stag do go up and still waited. It was stupid as I kinda knew deep down I wasn’t going to be invited. That realisation slapped me hard in the face when I was told they were getting married on the same day as my wedding anniversary. That, I was ok with, people don’t remember dates and it happens. I still waited and nothing appeared. It was at that point that I felt cut out of the group and no longer a part of their lives. No invitation. Nothing.
I did the thing I had been avoiding for years. I unfriended them on Facebook and called it a day. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. It was too much. I had been forgotten and I wasn’t going to just sit back and watch from a distance anymore. I kept asking myself what I had done wrong, why hadn’t I been invited, did I even exist anymore? I went crazy with these questions and it was a horrible dark time. I couldn’t talk to them about it, I just couldn’t. It had been too long and I didn’t have the fight in me anymore. I felt weak and just wanted to hide.
Since then none of them have texted, or emailed to ask what happened and I think it’s better that way. It’s silly when I think about it. Almost childish like in a playground but it’s what I needed to do. I couldn’t keep torturing myself with my old life. I had to let go and move on. Make new friends, have new experiences and just live.
And that’s what I did. It wasn’t easy at first in a new place but I got there. I now have a few friends, go to a mum group and have even had a girls night out. It’s been such a breath of fresh air. I feel revived and back to my old self. I am slowly building up my confidence and social skills after so many years of hiding. Slow small steps each day. Looking back now I think of the good times I had with my old friends and leave them in the past. I will be there for them if they ever need me but we are all going our separate ways. Theirs led them back home and mine led me here, to Scotland! Where I review books and live out my passion with my family. It’s been a long exhausting journey but I finally feel like I am home and I belong. Sometimes in life you have just got to cut those ties that are holding you back so you can fly free.
If anyone is feeling alone, please, please speak out. Tell someone and don’t suffer in silence.
Hop hop wiggle wiggle.